Beginnings

I think I have a new favorite person. I don't want to say that yet though. I think I pretend a bit like I don't think about him as much as I do. but oh, I do. and it's not wrong, finally. I can think about him as much as I want, I can see him if I want, I can be touched the way I've been wanting to be touched and by who I want to touch me. I'm trying very hard to keep it to myself in reality, so I feel like indulging a bit here, where it's still private enough for my liking but "out there" enough that it feels like a release. so: he's taller than what I'm used to but I think I like that. he's smart and he knows how to hold a conversation; I actually think he can keep up with me. he's weird, but not in a bad way. just... weird and sometimes awkward with the tone of his voice or how he pauses when he speaks, but I think it's a quirk that I like. it's cute, in a way. I always want to see him. I wouldn't say I miss him when he's not around- that doesn't seem like the correct term for what I feel. but I always want to be around him and I daydream about him every day. he doesn't take compliments perfectly (cue his awkwardness) and he's not very verbally affectionate. when he does choose to give compliments, he does them beautifully. I love the way he kisses me. I wish I could bottle the feeling of it and take it out to relive it whenever I wanted. I love feeling him touch me; my skin burns against his hands. I love how he smells and I love that his bedroom is neat. I love his house and the way it's filled with cool toned colors- my favorite. I love that it's full, not bare like some struggling post-grad's cramped apartment. I love that he likes dogs and it's cute how affectionate he is with his cat. he's smart but not too condescending. I could listen to the sound of his voice for years and never get tired of it. he knows politics and we have a lot of the same opinions. politics and social issues are important to me and all I've been meeting in the past two years are people who don't care to get educated or have discussions, so he feels refreshing. it's that first gulp of air you take after breaking through a pool of water, where you feel almost lightheaded but grounded again, all at once. he's the cutest thing I have ever seen. his face is perfect, his smile is perfect. I can never tell whether his eyes are blue or green or gray and I like that. I remember at the start of all this, he had to give me a ride to work, and when I knew that I'd be alone with him my heart jumped for an hour. being close to him is so affecting. gravity renews its pull on my body; I feel its weight in every one of my bones. my nerves are electric wires and static runs through my blood. when it was time to get out of the car, I was stalling, trying to find any way to stay just a few seconds longer, and we sat in silence for a moment until he asked if he could get my phone number so we could keep talking. two weeks later he kissed me for the first time. we were outside at night when it happened, and I was shivering because I'd forgotten to wear a coat. he very suddenly reached out to grab my hand to see how cold I was, and I swear to god, he touched me for that first time and the solar system paused in orbit. I stood there and drank it all in, as he held my hand and my mouth opened a bit in surprise. and then the earth went still. I keep remembering the way I looked up at him. over and over and over, I remember it, how he pulled me in to hug me and before he let go he finally kissed me. just once, lightly. I can't get enough of him. he's so polite and he's so patient; he hasn't pushed me about anything... even the one or two (totally physical) things I wish he would push a bit harder about. he's so patient. I know I sound crazy, describing everything so fully and at such length. it's just that this is all a dream to me to feel this way again. everything has been imperfect, and sometimes weird, but still lovely. I feel so light and lucky already. beginnings are my favorite part.